Hidden Salmon Crouching Rice

The title of the post is brought to you by Minerva: a leader in training young padawans in the ways of the geek. And I just found out that my laptop spell check does not support Jedi terminologies. Shame on it.
Now, back to your regular programming.
As you know by now, during these past two weeks we have been slowly but surely trudging our way through huge quantities of salmon and tilapia. I swear I have little ghosts of fishes swimming out of my ears by now – and that’s not a good thing. I would love to insert a cartoon of someone pulling a fish out of his/her ear but clearly Google couldn’t find it. Hence it doesn’t exist in the world.
Jokes aside, the creation of the Hidden Salmon Crouching Rice was a result of an atrocious day. Not even a bad day, but an atrociously day to the point I found a bitter Sith happiness that the weather matched my stormy mood (for future references, the Dark Side does have cookies). On the way home from work at St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, I just wanted something quick, comforting like fried rice, and anything that hid the fishy smell/taste/site/essence/existence of salmon that I had to cook. Thus, if you want to have a stronger salmon flavor feel free to use more salmon.
Thus, I humbly present to you my recipe for Hidden Salmon Crouching Rice.

On the topic of fried rice, there are many Sheldon Cooper like rules I absolutely will not compromise on. Like his spot on the couch, these following two rules should never be violated in making fried rice or I will send Howard Wolowitz’s mother to live with you.


1) No soy sauce in fried rice.
One of my largest pet peeves in America is that their fried rice is two part rice and one part soy sauce to the point that the fried rice comes out of the wok brown. I cannot stress how disgusting this brown fried rice is because all you taste is soy sauce. Not only is this disgusting, but it is also unhealthy. So, to all the witches, wizards, trolls, werewolves, squibs, and elves in the world – if you put soy sauce in fried rice, you will be sent to the Department of Mysteries as test subjects. No questions asked.


2) Eggs and spring onions go in last.
Every fried rice dish needs eggs and spring onions. However, it’s the timing of when you add the eggs and spring onions that is so crucial to the success of the dish. The secret in my family is to scramble the eggs first, make the fried rice in another pan, and right at the end, add the eggs with the chopped spring onions. This will optimize the egg and spring onion flavor. Why? I have no clue. Here’s an answer: it has been tested since the beginning of Chinese history and unless if you have endless hours to be lectured on ancient history, I would not suggest trying to question it.


Finally, before you scroll down to the recipe, I need to introduce the magical Chai Family Rice Cooker. The history of this rice cooker is largely unknown as with its many magical properties. However, what we do know is that it was created around the same time as the Deathly Hallows many years ago and has been passed down in the generations. Some of its many magical abilities are not only to perfectly cook rice but to also double/triple as a pressure cooker and a good way to scare your roommate’s boyfriend when it starts bubbling ominously in a corner on a cold October day – unfortunately/fortunately there weren’t any trolls in the dungeon that night.

Hidden Salmon Crouching Rice

1 cup of rice
6 eggs
3 minced spring onions
1 diced onion
1 diced zucchini
1 diced carrot
1 sliver of salmon
2 tablespoon of rice wine vinegar
Olive oil
Salt
Black pepper

Cook one cup of rice as directed.
Rub salt onto both sides of the salmon, and then proceed to grill it. While the fish is cooking, beat the six eggs and scramble them. Set aside. Once fully cooked, smash into small pieces and add rice wine vinegar. Set aside.
Sauté the onion, zucchini, and carrot on high heat. Once the carrot is tender, add the salmon. Turn to medium heat and add the rice. Keep on stirring for five minutes. Season with salt and black pepper to taste.
Finally, add the egg and spring onions. Stir for three more minutes.
Serve immediately.

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